All you need to craft a winning holiday rom-com is a pair of charismatic leads, the magic of the Christmas season and hey, throwing in an adorably rambunctious dog doesn’t hurt either. Amazon Prime’s “Merv” starts off on a strong note by seemingly promising all of these things and more. Seriously, it only takes seeing Merv the dog onscreen for approximately 0.5 seconds in his little winter outfit to fall in love with him. Falling in love with this movie should be just as easy but sadly it is so dull and inconsequential that even a hotel full of playful pups aren’t enough to stop a viewer from repeatedly asking, “why should I care about anything happening in this movie?” That may sound harsh but come on: The stakes / plot of this movie are quite literally, “if we don’t cheer up our dog he will have to be medicated.” Not taken away, not put down, just medicated. Christmas doesn’t even have to do with anything! Remember when rom-coms were filled with big ideas, fantasy, and magical locations? What we really need for Christmas this year is the return of grand rom-coms on the big screen and not these made-for-TV movies masquerading as real movies.
Because the plot is ridiculously uninteresting (borderline non-existent) the dialogue and chemistry between the two leads need to be as sparkly as the most precious Christmas ornament. Unfortunately, in both the lines they’re given and the performances they give, stars Zooey Deschanel and Charlie Cox generate all the excitement of watching paint dry. Without any hyperbole, they were being out-acted by the dog. Which is upsetting because these two have proven their romantic chops in past projects but because “Merv” is as dull as dishwater they have nothing to work with. There isn’t even any fun bickering or snappy back and forth between these characters who are exes forced to unite for a common goal! It doesn’t help that Deschanel and Cox are miscast in roles clearly meant for 20-somethings or even teenagers. One of the big problems with “Merv” is that it tries to cram very grown up themes into a story whose simplicity rivals that of a Disney Channel Original Movie.
Even what should be the movie’s saving grace, the cute antics of the titular dog, are absent. The poor pup spends a majority of the movie in a sad state and for large stretches of time the movie doesn’t even feature him! “Merv” is just a confused waste. It has all these resources at its fingertips and completely squanders them for reasons unknown. Honestly, there is no part of this movie that would inspire anyone to recommend anyone else watch it. Maybe if this was a comedy satirizing how bananas dog owners can be but no, “Merv” plays everything very straight and serious. Listen, you can’t have a movie feature a song with lyrics stating, “puppies are forever not just for Christmas,” and still be taken seriously.
If you’re someone who is absolutely obsessed with the idea of owning a dog and making that dog your entire life and personality, than maybe this movie is for you. Maybe. Even if that’s the case, earnestly finding enjoyment in “Merv” is going to be an uphill battle. You can throw this dog a bone by giving it a watch but just know that neither its bark nor its bite have any staying power.
Rating: ★
Review by: Luke Elisio